rob clarke - Bedazzled

While boarding up that passageway to Narnia in my wardrobe (I think that’s where the mice were coming from), I discovered a stash of unfinished ink drawings from the aughts. As I was about to toss them in the trash, they cried, “Please, father, give us a second chance!” Moved by their pleas, I granted my neglected babies their wish and spent several months bedazzling them with details in the hope that they would catch the eyes of sophisticated collectors of homoerotica.

"Deviled Eggs", 2008/2026, 9"x13", $300. The punishment for manspreading is diabolical but effective.

"Hog-tied", 2008, 7.5"x9", $300. My highschool art teacher told me that the purpose of art is to celebrate the dignity of Man.

"Beach Bum", 2008/2026, 11"x10", $300. When the sun's out, it's buns out.

"The Farmer's Dog", 2008/2026, 11"x9", $300

"L'Amour fou", 2008, 11"x9", $300. It's true what they say that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

"Get Well", 2008, 8"x12", $300. When I volunteered to be a candy striper at the local hospital, I was told that that hasn’t been a "thing" since the 90s.

"Fratyr Chuggin'", 2008/2026, 9"x12", $400. Yes, yes, I’m aware that I’m a bit too old to be attending frat parties, but the bros are the best customers of my magic pixie dust.

"Animal House", 2008, 7"x10", $300. I might be partially responsible for why the fraternity next door is called the Animal House.

"Billy Ray Centaur", 2008/2026, 7"x9", $300. You'll never know who you'll hook up with while cruising a Renaissance Fair.

"Donk with Pitchfork", 2008, 7"x9", $200. My accountant tells me that I have too many ranch hands on the payroll.

The spirit of Stan Lee was not impressed with my ideas for new superheroes. (I gotta stop raising the dead.)

"Phallopolis", 2012/2026, 9"x12", $300. Personally, I find the “Big Dick Energy” of Phallopolis to be exhausting.

"The Sack Wrangler", 2010/2026, 11"x13", $300. Kink Shamers beware— you’ll soon feel the sting of the Sack Wrangler’s whip if you don’t loosen your uptight ways.

"Shlong Man", 2012/2026, 7"x11", $300

"Heroes", 2010/2026, 12"x8", $250. Our town's team of Superfriends is funded by the local chapter of the Velvet Mafia.

"Red Star", 2008/2026, 9.5"x14", $400. My sweet Yuri — I barely understood a word you said, which comes in handy when you’re trying to land a spacecraft.

"Fly Boy", 2011/2026, 9"x12", $300. Strangely, I’ve never seen the movie Top Gun, not even the part with the homoerotic volleyball game.

"Trashman", 2008/2026, 10"x14", $400. I love a man in a uniform.

"Groundhog Day", 2008/2026, 8"x11", $250. A career in mascoting isn’t as glamorous as it’s depicted in movies.

The running gag at my dad’s fire hall was that one day they were going to turn their hoses on the f*gs patronizing our town’s one gay bar, which was weirdly located directly across the street.